Apple Really Sucks!
Apple is really beginning to shit me. Two of my electronic devices - an iPad and an iPhone - are completely iScrewed. I’m completely iBlocked out and cannot iRestore them. I am about to call iSIS to help me with a counter defense.
The absolutely crazy thing is that Apple says that they will tell me when I can use them. This might be 20 days. They are ‘assessing’ whether to unlock the devices. What??? I am the owner of these devices. Why does Apple think they can let me know when or not I can restore them or not? 20 days, apparently!
Apple is now a new nanny state. It’s not the first time I’ve had trouble with Apple. At the start of this whole COVID-19 charade, I went to Apple to buy a new computer.
The Apple store is a whole new level of bureaucracy. I went to the superstore at Chadstone, having to ‘book’ a 15 minute appointment at a super inconvenient time so I could chat with a junior burger (first world problems, but I’m suffering).
Why would you need an appointment to buy something? What is this, the last dentist on earth?
Aside from my general feeling of nausea about the store, I hate the mention of a ‘Genius Bar’. This is the counter where the young twats sit with their crappy lanyards flapping about.
At my allocated appointment time, I started to walk through the roped off section and the slimy security. In my rush to get in and out of the Apple Store, I couldn’t escape the censorious young dude (aka the door bitch) from pulling me up. Apparently, I needed to show him my appointment card. As per usual, I pulled out the wrong card and showed him a discount donut voucher rather than the Apple appointment QR code. Not having my correct email ready to be scanned, it was like I’d poked him in the eye - tempting but not legal - and a melt down ensued. Somehow, after much fumbling and email searching, I managed to get my ID checked by the Apple public servant from hell, and to convince zero of my worthiness to have an iAppointment to get my iThing at the iPlace.
“My man, calm down. I thought you guys were supposed to be chilled”. Give me back my discount donut voucher. Oh, here’s my McAppointment voucher, it’s in the 15 minute allocated block, so I can see you shit-hot people.
I was greeted by an overly friendly shit-hot person. She escorted me to a Genius Bar corner of a table, and asked me to wait for 'Jake'. (They’re always serving another customer, aren’t they. Like serving a customer is something special. Hey, junior burgers, that’s why you are there. You don’t need to announce it like the person is curing cancer. Oh sorry, DB, they are really busy curing cancer, but they’ll be with you in a minute).
Jake finally arrived and started to treat me like we’d caught up after 10 years. Let me make an observation as an aside. Why do these business want to have your first name? And then proceed to overuse it? Hey, Brendan, what kind of person are you? Brendan, do you know how to turn this on Brendan? Brendan, Brendan, Brendan. Why can’t we go back to a formal society where a customer would be called, Ms. Mr. Dr. or whatever? If I wanted a friend, I certainly would be taking a corner of a Genius Bard, talking to some nosey little virgin.
So Jake, after patronizing me - as per the Apple script - asked me what I would like to see. Like a cave man, I said: “I want to buy this computer”.
Holy smoke. Don’t do that. My advice. Act dumb. Play slow. Do Anything. Roll around on the floor. But just don’t say what you want.
This just set Jake off into a Shakespearean soliloquy on all the of models they have. This turned into a Jake run interrogation.
“Tell me what you’d like to use it for”.
“Well, Jake, I’m thinking of starting up a porn site and holding thousands of photos with women getting debased and generally mistreated. Isn’t that what happens on 80% of the web? What’s that going to set me back?”.
I didn’t say that. I said for “computer stuff”.
Jake then launched into a whole bunch of questions. It was like being interrogated by security at an airport.
“What kind of graphics? What kind of files? This storage or that storage? USB ports of not? And on and on ....
”While my mind was at - “What’s with all the questions Jake?“- I had already become distracted. Oh, and by the way, what’s those flashing lights accessories... “Thanks Jake. I’m just going to take a look at these accessories” while you talk to yourself.
Jake pipes up, “Oh, sorry you can’t walk around the store. Company policy. If you would like me to accompany you somewhere, I can do that. Would you like to show me what you’d like to look at?“.
I couldn’t help it. I did actually say, “Are you sure this is the store Steve Jobs, iconoclast and rebel, started? He’d be turning over in his grave”. Because it sure felt like a fluffy kindergarten. Kids included.
By the end of it, I was pleading with Jake. “Jake, can you please just let me buy this expensive and over-priced computer. Please, please, please! I'm begging you”. At some point, I did get permission. It took lots of coaxing.
So, this whole new experience of being shut out of my devices, with no recourse, is just adding to my list of anti-Apple stories.
I feel that Apple is starting to think of itself as a department of the government. It’s as fun as visiting a tax office, and probably less efficient.
The less interaction I can have with Apple the better.
I just wish they would let me use the devices I bought.
Have you got a store or company that gets your goat?
As they say misery loves company :-)
Would love to commiserate.
PS. Love to Rimas, Julie, and Amie for buying me a coffee. Thank you so much. I really, really do appreciate it. It’s Christmas time, after all. All proceeds are going to coffee. No animals were hurt.